Why Won’t My Child Do As I Say?

Copyright © 2005 Barb Desmarais
The Parenting Coach
http://www.theparentingcoach.com



In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is “My
child won’t listen!” Repeated attempts in trying to get a
child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves parents
feeling exhausted and helpless. Frequently we say things we
later regret and become riddled with guilt. Usual attempts
often include nagging, yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing
and threats. Despite consistently not getting the results we’re
looking for, we resort to the same methods time and time again.
We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents.
Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things
differently and not resort to some of their methods of parenting,
we do. It seems to be automatic. This is not intended to be an
article about blaming our parents, rather an understanding of
why we do what we do and provide some alternative responses.
There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all
did the best they knew how.

Consider for a moment your own internal response when someone
you know demands that you do something or that you to stop doing
something. For the most part, we instantly become defensive and
decide that we’ll do as we please. We feel robbed of our power
and control. We often feel attacked and want to attack back.
Children have the same internal response when we use a hostile
tone of voice and demand that something be stopped or that
something be accomplished.

Simply by rephrasing our request and using a more positive tone
we can often get the result we’re looking for. If children
don’t feel attacked there is less of a need to become defensive
and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less of
a need to gain power. “Stop that right now!!” can be rephrased
to: “As soon as you stop doing that, I’ll know you’re ready to
go the park.” “Pick up your toys right now or they’re all
going into the garbage!!!” can be changed to: “I need you to
pick up your toys before you watch your program. I can help.
Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?” “Get into the car
right now!!!” can be changed to: “We need to go out in the car
now. What toy do you want to bring with you?” When attempting
to get your child to pick up toys, without raising your voice
you can try saying: “As soon as you’ve put your train set away,
I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.” Also, a “no!” response
to a child can often be turned into a “yes”. “Can I have a
cookie?” Instead of saying no you can say: “Yes, as soon as
we get home, or as soon as you’ve finished your lunch, or later
this afternoon...” Nagging and lecturing as a way to engage a
child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response. It’s
seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old
respond defensively.

Children will learn to respect us more when we show respect
towards them. They also learn how to show respect towards
others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your
child playing with another child? I’ve often heard parents say:
“Oh my gosh! She sounds just like me!” Often times, we don’t
like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of
our of children’s mouths as an opportunity to make some positive
changes to our parenting. Children are great mimics. If we
want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have
to model respect.

By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please
or condoning unacceptable behavior. They need strongly defined
limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make
acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing
simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences
for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent.



---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barb Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
Give your children your best so that they can become their best.
Phone: 604-524-1783
email: mailto:barb@theparentingcoach.com
web site: http://www.theparentingcoach.com

Book and Movie Reviews

Book Reviews*

I Want My Dinner Now!
By Renee Pottle
Hestia Hearth Publishing & Design
PO Box 7059
Kennewick, WA 99336
info@hestiashearthpublishing.com
ISBN: 0-9760137-1-1
Retail: $12.95

Today's busy parents don't have the time, energy, or desire to cook
healthy meals. But they long for the family to sit around the dinner
table, together. They long for healthy, home cooked meals, and they
long for cost-effective recipes. I Want My Dinner Now! solves these
problems and more. In less time than it takes to drive to a fast food
restaurant, order, and bring home a meal, parents can have a simple,
low-cost, nutritious meal on the table!

While I found the recipes simple enough to prepare, I couldn't help
but enjoy reading Pottle's basic cooking tips. They were like a mini-
refresher course on many of the ingredients used in this cookbook, as
well as, actual cutting and cooking tips.

I'd have to say my favorite recipe is the Tamale Pie. Anyone who has
ever tried to or has successfully prepared homemade tamales knows
it's not only an all-day affair, but it requires lots of helpers.
Now, I don't have to trot off to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I
can make them with ease—at home!

===============

Living In A Locker Room:
A Mom's Tale of Survival In A Houseful Of Boys
Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing
15115 Why 36
Deadwood, OR 97430
http://wymacpublishing.com
paula@paulaschmitt.com
ISBN: 1-932279-15-6
Retail: $12.95

What reads like a series of newspaper columns, written by one
distraught, yet hopeful mom is a book filled with motherly insight.
And not those pretty, painted pictures you're often fed in other
parenting books. Schmitt lays it all out on the line—sometimes
serious, sometimes funny—but always insightful.

Thinking about tackling the role of motherhood? Already a parent, but
tired of all the useful advice? Just want someone to say, "been
there, done that. I understand. Here's how it really happens!" Then
order a copy of Living In A Locker Room.

=======================

First Day, Dewey Does 4th Grade
ISBN: 0-971147-9-3
In The Grove
ISBN: 0-9711474-7-7
The Comeback
ISBN: 0-9711474-6-9

While Dewey Does books are quick reads, they pack a BIG punch. Dewey
shares his life, at a level all young children can relate to.

As we travel with Dewey, through his daily escapades, we're
transformed into an ideal world where friendships aren't just born,
but their nurtured. Each new day brings about a set of circumstances
that teach young children about life: building friendships, trusting
one another, growing from mistakes, learning to say "I'm sorry," and
the importance of communicating with adults.

As a mother, it was refreshing to find myself engrossed in each of
these books, finding myself engulfed in the storyline and forgetful
of the time. Whether you're young at heart, or have a young child at
home, Dewey Does books are a must read—start a new bedtime tradition
with the Dewey Does series.


Movie Reviews*


Teen Titans Switched, Volume 2
Warner Brothers
ISBN: 1-4198-0584-4
$19.97

With 151 minutes of pure comic relief, kids will be in heaven with
the release of Teen Titans Switched: Volume 2. And parents won't mind
giving up the cash because every episode on this video has an
underlying lesson. If your kids don't get the lessons upfront, I'm
positive the lessons will sink into their subconscious.

Take Switched: In the beginning of the cartoon, Starfire asks Raven
if she would like to hang out and do a little shopping, but Raven,
annoyed by Starfire's interruption, just wants to be left alone. Due
to a mix-up with a crazy villain, Raven and Starfire switch bodies.
Because of the switch, they must learn to understand each other in
order to use each other's powers and save their friends from
impending doom. In the end, they not only save their friends, but
they develop a friendship.

And in Deep Six, Beast Boy feels his solo assignment is "stolen" when
Aqualad volunteers to help. Beast Boy considers Aqualad's help a
threat and because of his jealousy, he won't work as a team. When he
finally confronts Aqualad about trying to steal the show and prove
he's better than Beast Boy, Aqualad tells Beast Boy that he doesn't
care who is better, he just wants to protect everyone from the
villain, Trident. Because Beast Boy finally hears the truth, the two
work together and save the world from Trident.

=========================

Hot Wheels: Acceleracers Ignition
Warner Brothers
ISBN: 1-4198-0909-1
$19.98

Hot Wheels: Acceleracers Ignition is a computer-generated cartoon
where technology meets high-speed racing. While the film isn't rated,
I believe a PG-13 rating should've been given due to the
aggressiveness of the drones and the anger between rival race car
drivers.

This fast-paced cartoon captures viewers' attention with its high
energy, but the storyline is weak.
Basically drones, from another world, race in different realms of the
universe to gain a special computer chip. It's up to the race car
drivers from our world to stop them, but if you didn't watch the
original Hot Wheels World, you won't have a clue as to why these
computer chips are so important.

If you love Hot Wheels, race cars, and racing, you'll want to give
this video a shot as it does have some cool race tracks, obstacles,
and racing challenges.

Alyice Edrich is the editor of The Dabbling Mum.com–where BUSY
parents find balance (http://thedabblingmum.com). She is also the
author of several work-from-home e-books, including one that allows
parents to earn $50 in two hours without joining an MLM or home party
business.

How Can I Teach My Child To Be Responsible?

Copyright © 2005 Barb Desmarais
The Parenting Coach
http://www.theparentingcoach.com/



Most of us when asked what we want our children to become,
we include "responsible" among other things such as happy,
fulfilled and caring. We want our children to learn to make wise
choices, be responsible for their actions and live responsibly.

Do we teach children to become responsible by simply giving them
chores to do? That's part of it for sure but only part of it.
What about learning to be responsible for their actions? What
kind of messages do we give out that either encourage or
discourage a child to become responsible? How are we at
taking responsibility for our actions?

Expecting children to participate in the running of the
household can begin as soon as they learn to walk. It simply
makes a statement that they are a valued member of the household
and are capable of making a contribution. We can start by
providing hooks at their level so they can hang up their coats,
by providing large plastic bins so toys can be easily accessed
and put away, and by providing plastic dinnerware so they can
clear their own dishes away. The older children become,
responsibilities can be added according to what you're
comfortable with and what is appropriate for their age. If we
get into the habit of always doing things for them that they
can do for themselves, we give them the message that they're
not capable.

When we discipline through natural and logical consequences
we teach children to become responsible for their behavior.
Physical punishment, nagging and lecturing seldom works in
teaching a child to act responsibly. They instead learn to
fear us and the result is a parent/child relationship that is
not based around mutual trust and respect. Our job as parents
is to help make children accountable for their behavior.

Offering choices provides many opportunities for children to
learn responsibility. Life is all about choices and we can
begin offering a choice of 2 or 3 things to toddlers. They
learn to live with the consequences of their choices and it
says to them that they are capable of making a choice which
in turn encourages mutual respect and a healthy sense of
self-worth.


How often do we as parents take on the problems of our children
when in fact it's they who own the problem? We become overly
anxious around homework not completed, an argument with a
friend, or any number of things that truly have nothing to do
with us. When we allow our children to take ownership of their
own problems and learn to detach ourselves, we teach them to
become responsible for their actions. We also give them the
message that we know they are capable of handling the problem.
We can instead offer guidance with questions such as: “What
would you differently next time?” “What do you think will
happen if you don’t finish this?” We can still guide and
support without fixing.

How are we at assuming responsibility for our own actions? Are
we quick to blame others for things that go wrong or do we take
ownership for our part in a problem? If we constantly blame
others for things that go wrong in our lives, we teach our
children to become victims. They don't learn that the only
person that can fully take charge of what happens to us, is
ourselves. People who live responsibly take action to change
rather than react and blame others.


Recommended reading: "Raising a Responsible Child" by Dr. Don
Dinkmeyer and Dr. Gary McKay.



---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barb Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
Give your children your best so that they can become their best.
Phone: 604-524-1783
email: mailto:barb@theparentingcoach.com
web site: http://www.theparentingcoach.com

Potty Training Techniques That Don't Work

by Danna Henderson

Your attitude and actions have a huge impact on your child's
potty training success. The following potty training techniques
don't work and should never be done:

Punishing your child for accidents

Making your child wear soiled diapers or underwear

Making your child sit on the potty for more than 5 to 10 minutes
at a time

Making your child "hold it" if he or she needs to go

Making your child sit on the potty when he or she is crying

Try to make potty training fun and exciting for your child.
Positive reinforcement generates better results than negative
reinforcement. Browse our selection of potty training products
to choose the right product to use with your chosen potty
training technique.

Copyright © 2004 ZIP Baby. All Rights Reserved.



About the author:
Danna Henderson started ZIP Baby in order to provide parents
with comprehensive potty training information as well as a large
variety of potty training products. For more information about
potty training, visit Pot
ty Training Doll.

The Cost of Competition on Kids

by Rae Pica

The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty strong
feelings in the United States. In fact, even hinting that
competition might not be such a great thing can cause one to be
labeled un-American.

The prevailing belief is that competition is good for everyone –
that someone without a strong competitive nature is just a wimp.
That being competitive is human nature and to be noncompetitive is
to have been born without a necessary gene.

But is it human nature, or is it learned behavior? The research
shows that, given a choice, most preschoolers prefer cooperative to
competitive activities. This would seem to indicate that dog-eat-
dog is not a natural inclination. And in a New York Times essay,
Nicholas Kristof told a hilarious story about trying to teach the
game of musical chairs to a group of five-year-old Japanese
children, who kept politely stepping out of the way so others could
sit in their chairs. This would certainly seem to indicate "dog-eat-
dog" is taught in some societies – and not taught in others.

In America we play musical chairs in child-care centers, during play
dates, and at almost every preschooler's birthday party. The rules
say that a chair is removed with every round – and one more child
gets to sit against the wall and watch everybody else continue to
have fun. The game is over when there remains one winner – and lots
of losers.

In case you don't recall from your own childhood (or maybe you were
always the one winner among many losers), being eliminated feels
lousy, as does feeling like a loser. And those other kids you're
playing with? For the duration of the game they're not your
friends; they're what's standing in your way. Children only have to
play this game once to know that, if they're not going to be labeled
losers, they have to do whatever it takes to win. And we've all
seen what that means: punching, poking, kicking, scratching,
screaming, and shoving. It's no wonder the research shows that
competition fosters antisocial behaviors.

When parents consistently place their children in situations where
winning is the ultimate goal – where the winners are considered
heroes and the losers "losers" – winning is what they come to
value. They learn that only the end result counts, not the process
involved in getting there. Further, when parents themselves fail to
conduct themselves with character, their actions speak much louder
than any words preached about good sportsmanship and the value of
teamwork and cooperation.
While the goal of many parents is to give their children a running
start on the development of sports skills (because success in sports
certainly must equal success in life!), the research shows that
competition is actually detrimental to skill development. One
reason is fear of failure and its resulting stress, which isn't
conducive to either learning or performance. Young children, in
particular, are susceptible to this problem because pleasing their
parents means so much to them. And when their parents focus on
winning – either through action (screaming on the sidelines) or
words (asking "Who won?" instead of "Did you have fun?") – winning
becomes the children's goal as well.

Of course, you may think the goal of winning would be enough to
propel children into performing their best. But young children
aren't cognitively ready to make that connection. They attribute
winning or losing to ability, not effort. Nor are they emotionally
ready to handle the pressure of playing mistake-free games. And
they're not physically ready to play without making mistakes!

Finally, when product (winning) is emphasized over process (making
an effort), extrinsic reward is granted more validity than intrinsic
reward. As a result, trophies and championships become the whole
point of participation. And while this may not seem like such a bad
thing in a goal-oriented society, we're back to the issue of the
young child's stage of development. Children under the age of eight
are motivated by pleasure. And, yes, winning feels good when
everyone around you is making a big deal out of it. But does that
feeling last? And what about the children who aren't winning?

Dare I say it? Winning isn't everything. And if we want our
children to grow up to be self-assured, character-driven adults –
who also happen to have positive feelings about physical activity –
then it really shouldn't be.


Rae Pica is a children's physical activity specialist and the author
of Your Active Child: How to Boost Physical, Emotional, and
Cognitive Development through Age-Appropriate Activity (McGraw-Hill,
2003). Rae speaks to parent and education groups throughout North
America. You can visit her and read more articles at
www.movingandlearning.com.

Show Your Baby That You Read

by Anil Vij

When you take your child to the library, check out a book for
yourself. Then set a good example by letting your child see you
reading for yourself. Ask your child to get one of her books and
sit with you as you read your book, magazine, or newspaper.
Don't worry if you feel uncomfortable with your own reading
ability. It's the reading that counts.When your child sees that
reading is important to you, she may decide that it is important
to him or her, too

How Does a Book Work?

Children are fascinated by how books look and feel. They see how
easily you handle and read books, and they want to do the same.
When your toddler watches you handle books, she begins to learn
that a book is for reading, not tearing or tossing around.
Before she is 3, she may even pick one up and pretend to read,
an important sign that she is beginning to know what a book is
for. As your child becomes a preschooler, she is learning that
??

A book has a front cover.

A book has a beginning and an end.

A book has pages.

A page in a book has a top and a bottom.

You turn pages one at a time to follow the story. You read a
story from left to right of a page. As you read with your babt,
begin to remind her about these things. Read the title on the
cover. Talk about the picture on the cover. Point to the place
where the story starts and, later, where it ends. Let your child
help turn the pages. When you start a new page, point to where
the words of the story continue and keep following the words by
moving your finger beneath them. It takes time for a child to
learn these things, but when your child does learn them, she or
he has solved some of reading's mysteries.



About the author:Anil Vij is the creator
of the ultimate parenting toolbox, which has helped parents all
over the world raise smarter, healthier and happier children ==>
http://www.expertsonparenting.com Sign up for Anil's Experts On
Parenting Newsletter - just send a blank email ===> mailto:
parentingnews@aweber.com